that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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