I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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