I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there