I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.