Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
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Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
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I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?