it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
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Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize