anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
