I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
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i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
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It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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