wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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