my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
