I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
