My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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