They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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