It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
