so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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