I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize