So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
