i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
