So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
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I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You need a sexual gate keeper
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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