Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
