I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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