Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
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Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
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She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
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