Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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