I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
