No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
