Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
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he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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