I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
