Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
