I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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