My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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