Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
