My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
