I'm retarded. Again.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...