You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.