my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
