So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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