Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
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I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
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Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS