she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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