there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
