Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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