he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
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Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
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I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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