Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
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I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room