i need an iv and a liver transplant
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
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I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit