I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize