where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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