did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
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You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
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We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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