I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
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Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
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He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize