Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just blew my weed a kiss
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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