Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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