you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
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I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
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I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I would ride that face into the sunset