I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
It's never too late to be topless.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
