i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
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Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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