His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
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