I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
