The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
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Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
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Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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